Form the VCC Newsletter on 1/27/2020: Mission Drift (Part 2)

So what does a church on mission look like, and how is it different from a church that isn’t on mission? 

For many churches in the USA the goal has become keeping the doors open. Members cannot imagine life without their church, even if it is unhealthy, but little can be articulated as to the church's goals, vision, and reason for being. A church on mission is fundamentally different because it sees everything it does--worship, fellowship, discipleship, ministry, and missions--as contributing to the kingdom of God.  They are willing to stop doing something when it ceases to be effective or when the work loses its people and support, save one or two unhappy but dedicated persons. Many people think a church starting new things is a sign of health, but the real measure of health is if a church can stop doing something it has “always” done. One of the most important questions an overworked volunteer needs to ask themselves is, “If I quit, will this ministry die?” If the answer is yes, then that ministry is unhealthy, and it probably needs to die so those seeds can fall to the ground and bear fruit (John 12.24).  A church on mission not only does ministry that matters, but it is healthy enough to review what it is doing, how it is doing, and admit when things need to change. 

Another thing a mission church does is to make sure the bulk of its resources (people, training, money, facilities) are being used for its primary mission. Too often churches end up using all their resources to do good things but get out of balance and stop actually making disciples of Jesus. Remember the church is not all about fellowship, or worship. It’s not all about living moral lives, or keeping rules. The church isn’t all about good works. The church does all of these things with the expressed purpose of multiplying disciples of Jesus Christ. If the church makes any one of these things its sole purpose, it quickly gets out of balance, and becomes unhealthy. At Vineyard we have simplified it down to: Love God, Love People, and Pass It On. So next week I will share about how we fulfill our mission, and why it matters.  

Grace and peace,

Hal

From the VCC newsletter on 11/12: Sibling Rivalry

Sibling rivalry is as old as Cain and Abel. I grew up the youngest of six, in a blended family— it was my kids, your kids, and I was the only ours. You can imagine there was a lot of sibling rivalry, and I was sure my situation was the problem. The family with six boys next door, all of  the same mother and father, was a very loving family, and yet the sibling rivalry was also intense. While I wanted to blame our sibling rivalry on a blended family, the truth was that even the tight-knit family had sibling rivalry. With that in mind, Dawn and I set out to build great camaraderie between our five children. Today they are ages 29 down to 19; I can tell you that my children today get along well and seem to love one-another but there was plenty of fighting, screaming, and crying over the years. By God’s grace they don’t hate one another, and we have lots of great memories. So let me share some of the best lessons we learned along the way.

First, avoid comparison. Statements about beauty, intelligence, athleticism, or any kind of ability regarding one child always leaves the other child wondering where they stand. So imagine what it means to child to hear that one sibling is smarter, more athletic, more musical, or the most beautiful? You probably did not mean to demean anyone, but there is nothing more hurtful than comparison, and no one’s voice is more authoritative on the subject (in the mind of your child) than you. Comparison is the root of every jealousy and the beginning of every sense of inferiority.  

Obviously every child is different and has their strengths and weaknesses. Celebrate your child’s strengths, achievements, and milestones— but never more or less than your other children. Each child in the family needs to know that Mom and Dad thinks they are beautiful, smart, and good at something— just not in comparison. When your child does better than they did last time, recognize that— but avoid talking about doing it better than a sibling.

Second, establish clear rules about who gets to ride where and when, and for when friends visit. Don’t ask them to work those things out, you be the parent and establish what is just. With our kids we established seating in the car and minivan. If one parent wasn’t present the oldest present got to ride up front. If the younger child tried to circumvent this when we picked up older children from events, I reminded them they had to move before it became something to fight about.  When a child had a friend over, the others left them alone unless the sibling who invited the guest included another child. (That means you didn’t mess with their legos or board games either.) This also meant that younger or smaller children did not get away with things just because they’re smaller, weaker, or don’t understand. You are the parent, so don’t make the children enforce the rules or live with obvious injustice.

Third, follow through with warnings about unacceptable behavior. Siblings often view one another as one who is stealing away Mom or Dad. It is a competition for your attention that ultimately fires up sibling rivalry. If you are paying attention to another child, or to a project, they will try and hook you. That may mean interrupting your interaction with the other child, or it may mean attacking another child to get you to focus on him/her.  IF they will not stop you must follow through on any warnings. Making them clean their room, stay in their room without access to electronic devices, clean the garage, wash dishes, fold laundry, whatever it is— you must follow through, so that attacking a sibling or interrupting you and another child is clearly not acceptable for any sibling to do.  

Finally, reward them when they are playing well together or showing great love for one another. Because you are playing so well together I am going to  . . . make cookies, let you stay up ten more minutes, take a picture and tell them how happy it makes you when they play nice together. Make sure they know that nothing will get them greater praise from Mom and Dad than being good to each other.  

 

From the VCC Newsletter on 11/5: The Strong-willed Child

You might find this surprising, but I was a very strong-willed child. To this day I have a special place in my heart for strong-willed children. I get them. I am not exactly volunteering to take yours off your hands (haha), but I appreciate them and  have great empathy for their parents. To make matters more interesting, God gave me a wife with that same kind of strong-will and five children, four of whom were also strong-willed. As you can imagine it made for interesting times in the Hester household. With this in mind, I want to encourage those of you who have strong-willed children: you have been given a great gift!

Strong-willed children are not easily led astray; they are full of conviction; they want to know why; they are thoughtful; and they are able to persevere (you know that because they can easily outlast you in an argument). Now to be honest, the downside of being a strong-willed child is becoming a strong-willed adult. A lot of my life has been made more difficult by my personality, but over the years, the Holy Spirit has certainly tamed my carnal temperament.  He has helped me use the strengths of my personality to lead people and plant churches. I am grateful my parents did not try to squash my personality but learned to work with it. I am also grateful to the mentors who could see through my “rebellion” and recognize my challenges were not about defiance but serious questions. So let me give you a few suggestions to help you with your strong-willed child.

First, keep in mind what I talked about last week from Proverbs 22 (train up a child in the way they are going), and decide, now, not to break the spirit of a strong-willed child. Work with who he or she is. Just because the child isn’t compliant doesn't mean he or she is defiant. If it is real defiance then a suitable punishment can be helpful, but remember, you MUST see it to completion. If the strong-willed child realizes he or she has more will than you do, you are going to have a really hard time.

Second, define your boundaries ahead of time. You can’t get mad at a child over unmet expectations or violations that seem obvious to you. Define it! If you have not defined it, now is a good time Don’t punish a child for breaking a rule he or she didn’t know existed.

Third, avoid unrealistic (or impossible) demands. This is especially true when a child is very young. Often our expectations of what a child can reasonably do are too high.

Fourth, follow through on what you say. If you say punishment is imminent then it better be. If you say something will not be tolerated then be certain you are willing to enforce it. Be consistent in how you enforce things. Remember, a strong-willed child is measuring you up, and if you want a strong-willed child to respect you, then you have to do the same. Respect your child and keep your word, or he or she will not respect you.

Finally, make sure to affirm and assure your child of your love for them, regardless of the consequences or their behavior. Never make your child wonder if your love is limited by conditions or behaviors.    

I love my family full of lion-hearted adults, and I am glad we did not not squash them as strong-willed children . . . not that I never considered it.