From the VCC Newsletter on 11/5: The Strong-willed Child

You might find this surprising, but I was a very strong-willed child. To this day I have a special place in my heart for strong-willed children. I get them. I am not exactly volunteering to take yours off your hands (haha), but I appreciate them and  have great empathy for their parents. To make matters more interesting, God gave me a wife with that same kind of strong-will and five children, four of whom were also strong-willed. As you can imagine it made for interesting times in the Hester household. With this in mind, I want to encourage those of you who have strong-willed children: you have been given a great gift!

Strong-willed children are not easily led astray; they are full of conviction; they want to know why; they are thoughtful; and they are able to persevere (you know that because they can easily outlast you in an argument). Now to be honest, the downside of being a strong-willed child is becoming a strong-willed adult. A lot of my life has been made more difficult by my personality, but over the years, the Holy Spirit has certainly tamed my carnal temperament.  He has helped me use the strengths of my personality to lead people and plant churches. I am grateful my parents did not try to squash my personality but learned to work with it. I am also grateful to the mentors who could see through my “rebellion” and recognize my challenges were not about defiance but serious questions. So let me give you a few suggestions to help you with your strong-willed child.

First, keep in mind what I talked about last week from Proverbs 22 (train up a child in the way they are going), and decide, now, not to break the spirit of a strong-willed child. Work with who he or she is. Just because the child isn’t compliant doesn't mean he or she is defiant. If it is real defiance then a suitable punishment can be helpful, but remember, you MUST see it to completion. If the strong-willed child realizes he or she has more will than you do, you are going to have a really hard time.

Second, define your boundaries ahead of time. You can’t get mad at a child over unmet expectations or violations that seem obvious to you. Define it! If you have not defined it, now is a good time Don’t punish a child for breaking a rule he or she didn’t know existed.

Third, avoid unrealistic (or impossible) demands. This is especially true when a child is very young. Often our expectations of what a child can reasonably do are too high.

Fourth, follow through on what you say. If you say punishment is imminent then it better be. If you say something will not be tolerated then be certain you are willing to enforce it. Be consistent in how you enforce things. Remember, a strong-willed child is measuring you up, and if you want a strong-willed child to respect you, then you have to do the same. Respect your child and keep your word, or he or she will not respect you.

Finally, make sure to affirm and assure your child of your love for them, regardless of the consequences or their behavior. Never make your child wonder if your love is limited by conditions or behaviors.    

I love my family full of lion-hearted adults, and I am glad we did not not squash them as strong-willed children . . . not that I never considered it.

From the VCC Newsletter on 10/29: Train up A Child

I have mentioned many times that American Christians are not very fond of wisdom literature because it does not give us prescriptions for life's struggles. Nevertheless, we quote it out of context, as it suits us. One of the texts often quoted out of context, and  the cause of great frustration, is Proverbs 22.6, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”

In context the verse is more about equipping a child toward his or her natural inclinations rather than about setting a direction for them. It has little to do with children following the ways of the Lord. The primary idea is if we recognize the natural gifting, likes, or inclinations of a child and reinforce those things (through training, support, and encouragement) then the child will continue in that direction.  For example, if a child is naturally gifted in music and they like it, then equipping them will be fruitful.  On the other hand when we try and force kids into a predetermined mold (i.e., Dad is a plumber so his son is going to be a plumber) then children tend to get defiant. It does not mean we shouldn’t push our kids to try things or encourage them to pursue something not natural to them, but it is simply a recognition that when these things come together it makes for a lifelong blessing.  

What I would say to young parents is do not push things just because your kid shows interest in something. For instance, my Dad thought I should be a lawyer because I had such a big heart for justice issues (defending the defenseless), and I was pretty argumentative when I thought something was unjust. However, I also loved to study ancient history and languages, and I was naturally inclined to spend time with and help people. I never imagined ministry would fit me so well. I know now it was my calling, and I have enjoyed it for the last 30 years. Parents, don’t feel like you have to nurture every inclination. Don’t push when they show interest. Instead encourage them when you see interest, and never shy away from helping them to explore. In the end, don’t push an agenda, even if they like it or are gifted; you may chase them away from the very calling God has put on their lives.