From the VCC Newsletter on 2/24:Kids are the Key

Many thinkers, scholars, and pastors are worried about the American church and the sad state of evangelism in the church. As I have often reminded us, there is not a single county in the USA that has seen the percentage of church growth increase in 40 years. We do have some larger churches today, but it is primarily because they are taking people from small churches, or they are sometimes the only churches doing outreach (mostly in the form of advertising and entertainment) but not really making disciples of Jesus Christ. This attraction conversion model is producing converts who barely know their bibles, who lack depth or commitment. It is not in spite of our efforts but as a direct result of them. Our system is perfectly designed to get the results that we are getting. 

What does all of this have to do with children? Well, we know that our most effective efforts in evangelism are our efforts to reach children between 4 years old and 14 years of age. We call it the 4-14 window. Over eighty percent of all people who come to Christ do so between the ages of 4-14. Despite the stats, we tend to spend 95% of our budgets trying to reach the other twenty percent (those over 14). We spend the majority of our teaching efforts, and our energy on them too. And in many cases children’s ministry is left with warm bodies to do little more than babysit while the adults get their church on. This should not be! 

I know that not everyone is cut out for children’s ministry, but everyone can pray for and support the children's ministry. One of the advantages we have is that we have two services. You can attend a service and serve a service. Meaning you don’t have to miss out on anything the adults do, and still do some teaching. You can still be a mentor, and help keep our children’s environment safe, comfortable, and encouraging. You can invest in the future, and do some effective evangelism. If we want the church of the future to be there, then we must invest in the children in the present. So that we not only reach them, but we disciple them, so that they will Love God, Love People, and Pass It On, not just now, but for the rest of their lives. I am certain the dropout rate after high school is not in spite of our efforts but as a result of not making disciples of Jesus among our children and grandchildren, but rather placating them with color pages, moralisms, and using the Bible to scold bad behavior. Please join me in making our children a priority at the Vineyard. 

Grace and peace,

Hal

From the VCC newsletter on 11/19: Parenting a Hyper-active Child

f you are reading this newsletter absolutely exhausted at the end of the day, or really early before your child rises to hurricane level activity, you just might be the parent of a hyperactive child. Today the most common solution is medication, and for some children, it is a real solution. But for many more it is not really helpful, and what you need are tools more than medication.  

Creating space

Creating space for the hyperactive child in your life involves effort. Make sure they get lots of physical activity— preferably outside. Plan time in his or her schedule to play, dance, and exercise. Give yourself permission to scale back your life and make room to enjoy your hyperactive child (Yes, I did say enjoy). Before you balk at the idea, keep in mind, with a hyperactive child, you may be struggling to get anything done anyhow, so stop feeling guilty and remember they will grow up and too soon. As long as you are creating space, let’s talk about diet.

Diet

Real, whole foods (I did not say healthy but that never hurts either). What I mean is take the processed foods out of your child’s regular meals. If you eat cheese, eat, real cheese. Eat real, fresh fruit. Get real peanut butter if you child can eat peanut butter. Feed them whole foods that are unrefined. It takes a little more time but not as much as you think, if you will plan out your meals in advance. Make sure you limit their sugar intake to 6 teaspoons per day— most children get in excesses of 21 teaspoons a day in the form of high fructose corn syrup hidden in pasta sauces, condiments, and “healthy” kids snacks like lowfat yogurt, juice, and more. Add to that a soda a day, containing as many as 10 teaspoons of sugar and it does not take long to ramp up any child into a frenzy. A little time invested in label reading can do a lot to help curb some of the common issues for hyperactive children.

Sleep

Another valuable tool is establishing regular sleep schedules. If you are not disciplined in this area yourself it becomes even harder to do, but it is well worth the effort. Before you establish bedtime, watch your child, see how they are wired. Some kids naturally zonk-out early. My oldest was naturally early to bed, early to rise. Others were naturally night-owls, late risers. Learning to work with their natural rhythms will help (of course keep in mind real world obstacles like schedules at work and school) but as much as possible work with your child’s natural rhythm. Additionally, creating a soothing sleep environment free of distractions can aid in you both finding rest sooner.

Parenting

In addition to all of these physical things, don’t forget you are a very important part of the equation. Hyperactive children are often singled out as problems, and they need to know Mom and Dad don’t see them as problems, but a gift. Assure your hyperactive child you are not mad at them for being hyperactive. They are fearfully and wonderfully made, God’s workmanship. It’s ok to be hyperactive, most of the time. Sometimes, it is imperative to control i, however, expecting to control the behavior all the time isn’t really reasonable. Make extra time for school and homework, and if it becomes crippling, consider an official diagnosis and an I.E.P. to help them manage school. Most of all pray for your child, not just about them, but for their peace, for their health, and for their ability to control their activity when they need to.

As funny as it sounds, your hyperactive child may just be God’s way of telling you to slow down and smell the flowers (that your hyperactive child just ripped out of your garden).

  

From the VCC newsletter on 11/12: Sibling Rivalry

Sibling rivalry is as old as Cain and Abel. I grew up the youngest of six, in a blended family— it was my kids, your kids, and I was the only ours. You can imagine there was a lot of sibling rivalry, and I was sure my situation was the problem. The family with six boys next door, all of  the same mother and father, was a very loving family, and yet the sibling rivalry was also intense. While I wanted to blame our sibling rivalry on a blended family, the truth was that even the tight-knit family had sibling rivalry. With that in mind, Dawn and I set out to build great camaraderie between our five children. Today they are ages 29 down to 19; I can tell you that my children today get along well and seem to love one-another but there was plenty of fighting, screaming, and crying over the years. By God’s grace they don’t hate one another, and we have lots of great memories. So let me share some of the best lessons we learned along the way.

First, avoid comparison. Statements about beauty, intelligence, athleticism, or any kind of ability regarding one child always leaves the other child wondering where they stand. So imagine what it means to child to hear that one sibling is smarter, more athletic, more musical, or the most beautiful? You probably did not mean to demean anyone, but there is nothing more hurtful than comparison, and no one’s voice is more authoritative on the subject (in the mind of your child) than you. Comparison is the root of every jealousy and the beginning of every sense of inferiority.  

Obviously every child is different and has their strengths and weaknesses. Celebrate your child’s strengths, achievements, and milestones— but never more or less than your other children. Each child in the family needs to know that Mom and Dad thinks they are beautiful, smart, and good at something— just not in comparison. When your child does better than they did last time, recognize that— but avoid talking about doing it better than a sibling.

Second, establish clear rules about who gets to ride where and when, and for when friends visit. Don’t ask them to work those things out, you be the parent and establish what is just. With our kids we established seating in the car and minivan. If one parent wasn’t present the oldest present got to ride up front. If the younger child tried to circumvent this when we picked up older children from events, I reminded them they had to move before it became something to fight about.  When a child had a friend over, the others left them alone unless the sibling who invited the guest included another child. (That means you didn’t mess with their legos or board games either.) This also meant that younger or smaller children did not get away with things just because they’re smaller, weaker, or don’t understand. You are the parent, so don’t make the children enforce the rules or live with obvious injustice.

Third, follow through with warnings about unacceptable behavior. Siblings often view one another as one who is stealing away Mom or Dad. It is a competition for your attention that ultimately fires up sibling rivalry. If you are paying attention to another child, or to a project, they will try and hook you. That may mean interrupting your interaction with the other child, or it may mean attacking another child to get you to focus on him/her.  IF they will not stop you must follow through on any warnings. Making them clean their room, stay in their room without access to electronic devices, clean the garage, wash dishes, fold laundry, whatever it is— you must follow through, so that attacking a sibling or interrupting you and another child is clearly not acceptable for any sibling to do.  

Finally, reward them when they are playing well together or showing great love for one another. Because you are playing so well together I am going to  . . . make cookies, let you stay up ten more minutes, take a picture and tell them how happy it makes you when they play nice together. Make sure they know that nothing will get them greater praise from Mom and Dad than being good to each other.  

 

From the VCC Newsletter on 11/5: The Strong-willed Child

You might find this surprising, but I was a very strong-willed child. To this day I have a special place in my heart for strong-willed children. I get them. I am not exactly volunteering to take yours off your hands (haha), but I appreciate them and  have great empathy for their parents. To make matters more interesting, God gave me a wife with that same kind of strong-will and five children, four of whom were also strong-willed. As you can imagine it made for interesting times in the Hester household. With this in mind, I want to encourage those of you who have strong-willed children: you have been given a great gift!

Strong-willed children are not easily led astray; they are full of conviction; they want to know why; they are thoughtful; and they are able to persevere (you know that because they can easily outlast you in an argument). Now to be honest, the downside of being a strong-willed child is becoming a strong-willed adult. A lot of my life has been made more difficult by my personality, but over the years, the Holy Spirit has certainly tamed my carnal temperament.  He has helped me use the strengths of my personality to lead people and plant churches. I am grateful my parents did not try to squash my personality but learned to work with it. I am also grateful to the mentors who could see through my “rebellion” and recognize my challenges were not about defiance but serious questions. So let me give you a few suggestions to help you with your strong-willed child.

First, keep in mind what I talked about last week from Proverbs 22 (train up a child in the way they are going), and decide, now, not to break the spirit of a strong-willed child. Work with who he or she is. Just because the child isn’t compliant doesn't mean he or she is defiant. If it is real defiance then a suitable punishment can be helpful, but remember, you MUST see it to completion. If the strong-willed child realizes he or she has more will than you do, you are going to have a really hard time.

Second, define your boundaries ahead of time. You can’t get mad at a child over unmet expectations or violations that seem obvious to you. Define it! If you have not defined it, now is a good time Don’t punish a child for breaking a rule he or she didn’t know existed.

Third, avoid unrealistic (or impossible) demands. This is especially true when a child is very young. Often our expectations of what a child can reasonably do are too high.

Fourth, follow through on what you say. If you say punishment is imminent then it better be. If you say something will not be tolerated then be certain you are willing to enforce it. Be consistent in how you enforce things. Remember, a strong-willed child is measuring you up, and if you want a strong-willed child to respect you, then you have to do the same. Respect your child and keep your word, or he or she will not respect you.

Finally, make sure to affirm and assure your child of your love for them, regardless of the consequences or their behavior. Never make your child wonder if your love is limited by conditions or behaviors.    

I love my family full of lion-hearted adults, and I am glad we did not not squash them as strong-willed children . . . not that I never considered it.

From the VCC Newsletter on 10/29: Train up A Child

I have mentioned many times that American Christians are not very fond of wisdom literature because it does not give us prescriptions for life's struggles. Nevertheless, we quote it out of context, as it suits us. One of the texts often quoted out of context, and  the cause of great frustration, is Proverbs 22.6, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”

In context the verse is more about equipping a child toward his or her natural inclinations rather than about setting a direction for them. It has little to do with children following the ways of the Lord. The primary idea is if we recognize the natural gifting, likes, or inclinations of a child and reinforce those things (through training, support, and encouragement) then the child will continue in that direction.  For example, if a child is naturally gifted in music and they like it, then equipping them will be fruitful.  On the other hand when we try and force kids into a predetermined mold (i.e., Dad is a plumber so his son is going to be a plumber) then children tend to get defiant. It does not mean we shouldn’t push our kids to try things or encourage them to pursue something not natural to them, but it is simply a recognition that when these things come together it makes for a lifelong blessing.  

What I would say to young parents is do not push things just because your kid shows interest in something. For instance, my Dad thought I should be a lawyer because I had such a big heart for justice issues (defending the defenseless), and I was pretty argumentative when I thought something was unjust. However, I also loved to study ancient history and languages, and I was naturally inclined to spend time with and help people. I never imagined ministry would fit me so well. I know now it was my calling, and I have enjoyed it for the last 30 years. Parents, don’t feel like you have to nurture every inclination. Don’t push when they show interest. Instead encourage them when you see interest, and never shy away from helping them to explore. In the end, don’t push an agenda, even if they like it or are gifted; you may chase them away from the very calling God has put on their lives.