You might find this surprising, but I was a very strong-willed child. To this day I have a special place in my heart for strong-willed children. I get them. I am not exactly volunteering to take yours off your hands (haha), but I appreciate them and have great empathy for their parents. To make matters more interesting, God gave me a wife with that same kind of strong-will and five children, four of whom were also strong-willed. As you can imagine it made for interesting times in the Hester household. With this in mind, I want to encourage those of you who have strong-willed children: you have been given a great gift!
Strong-willed children are not easily led astray; they are full of conviction; they want to know why; they are thoughtful; and they are able to persevere (you know that because they can easily outlast you in an argument). Now to be honest, the downside of being a strong-willed child is becoming a strong-willed adult. A lot of my life has been made more difficult by my personality, but over the years, the Holy Spirit has certainly tamed my carnal temperament. He has helped me use the strengths of my personality to lead people and plant churches. I am grateful my parents did not try to squash my personality but learned to work with it. I am also grateful to the mentors who could see through my “rebellion” and recognize my challenges were not about defiance but serious questions. So let me give you a few suggestions to help you with your strong-willed child.
First, keep in mind what I talked about last week from Proverbs 22 (train up a child in the way they are going), and decide, now, not to break the spirit of a strong-willed child. Work with who he or she is. Just because the child isn’t compliant doesn't mean he or she is defiant. If it is real defiance then a suitable punishment can be helpful, but remember, you MUST see it to completion. If the strong-willed child realizes he or she has more will than you do, you are going to have a really hard time.
Second, define your boundaries ahead of time. You can’t get mad at a child over unmet expectations or violations that seem obvious to you. Define it! If you have not defined it, now is a good time Don’t punish a child for breaking a rule he or she didn’t know existed.
Third, avoid unrealistic (or impossible) demands. This is especially true when a child is very young. Often our expectations of what a child can reasonably do are too high.
Fourth, follow through on what you say. If you say punishment is imminent then it better be. If you say something will not be tolerated then be certain you are willing to enforce it. Be consistent in how you enforce things. Remember, a strong-willed child is measuring you up, and if you want a strong-willed child to respect you, then you have to do the same. Respect your child and keep your word, or he or she will not respect you.
Finally, make sure to affirm and assure your child of your love for them, regardless of the consequences or their behavior. Never make your child wonder if your love is limited by conditions or behaviors.
I love my family full of lion-hearted adults, and I am glad we did not not squash them as strong-willed children . . . not that I never considered it.
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